Thursday, 17 March 2011

Deputy Gordon’s Scientific Report.


We have just received this alarming report from Deputy Gordon and appreciate the prompt analysis that his lab has provided.

The effect of EMD
From secret laboratory close to the Melbourn/Meldreth border:

I have been following up on Deputy Graham’s disturbing report that our local Tescos’ appeared to have run out of All Bran. My worst fears were confirmed on discovering that it is impossible to find so much as a single packet of Sennapods, or tin of Gregory Powder, in any of the Chemists between Meldreth and Baldock!

My fear and suspicion is that Ron has been secretly acquiring stocks of these materials, for if these ingredients are ground up together in the right proportions the mixture forms the basic component of “brown cake”, which can then easily be turned into an EMD (Enema of Massive Distribution) capable of causing dramatically explosive effects upon the digestive system of anyone unfortunate enough to consume even a small amount.

If further mixed with custard powder (also in short supply in Tescos’!), it is easily turned into the better known “yellow cake”, which may be baked and disguised as custard tarts or pies. I fear that these may then be smuggled across the Meldreth border to be sold to unsuspecting members of the public at Melbourn Market!

It is my understanding that in the past, Ron has had no qualms about testing his fiendish devices on members of his own team and would therefor suggest that all Deputies should keep their eyes open for men in brown trousers carrying patisseries. In the meantime I shall be keeping my nose to the ground.

I would further propose, in these dire circumstances that we ask OGL whether it is not time for a show of force by deploying the Europram, and perhaps to raise the warning level from the current 3.8 to 4.2 or even 4.4?

I am confident that all Deputies will seek to remain high on Alert (or whichever Buntingford beverage is available at the BH) until the situation is resolved.

Deputy Gordon