Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Dateline Tuesday 22nd March

Once again we are indebted to Deputy Tony for this contribution

The Ministry of the Fence reported today that Squadron Leader Deputy Paul was currently on leave, suffering from Golf Syndrome. He is expected to return to duty next week when he will resume operations piloting EARWAX, our high flying surveillance aircraft, which is currently awaiting further supplies of cotton buds.

A spokesman for Deputy Pete reported that the conversions to the motor home have now been completed and the camouflage had been applied.  Unfortunately Mrs Pete has insisted on hanging some rather nice net curtains at the windows which has rather defeated the object of the camouflage. Nonetheless the new mobile operations centre is expected to be deployed shortly after assurances had been given to certain parties that it will be restored to to it's original conditions once hostilities cease, or at least in time for the summer holidays.

Deputy Pete's found the camouflage is easy to apply

The Euro Pram returned from a mission yesterday with it's payload intact. The mission was cancelled when it was learnt that innocent cucumbers were being used as a vegetable shield in the Bassinbourn Allotment compound, where Ranger Ron is thought to be holed up in his shed.

Pilot Officer Deputy Dennis has been recommended for the DFC (Distinguished Farting Cross), following his heroic actions piloting the Euro Pram. His wife Anne welcomed the proposed award, but complained that Dennis insists on using phrases like 'Wizard Prang' and 'Wilco' in every conversation. Following her recent treachery in releasing unauthorised pictures of the top secret Euro Pram, she has little room for complaint.

There are unconfirmed reports that Deputy Julian is not in the South of France as previously reported but is in fact behind enemy lines as part of an SAS (Special Ale Service) operation. An unnamed source said the Personnel Carrying Lawnmower had been spotted on the Bassinbourn bowling green, with Deputy Julian at the controls. Some credence is given to this story by the fact that Deputy Julian is often seen with dirt and grease covering his face. His explanation has always been that he had spent much of the day under the bonnets of his various vehicles, but it is likely that the dirt and grease were in fact experimental forms of camouflage.The Ministry of the Fence declined to comment.

Bassinbourn local radio has broadcast a long rambling speech by Ranger Ron, in which he claimed to have imposed a 'no fry' zone over Melbourn.However, the proprietor of Melbourn's Fish and Chip shop refuted this claim and confirmed that the complete range of his excellent fried fish and chips are still available.   During the speech, Ranger Ron also claimed that Coalition Forces were only after the supply of Rape Seed grown in his extensive allotments."It's our oil they are after" he said.  (source: Rotters News Agency)

Our Glorious Leader released a statement saying that Ranger Ron had brought great shame to the Ancient Order of Rangers by crossing over to the Dark Side. He also said that Ranger Ron had also misappropriated the phrase 'May the Force Flakes be with you', by including this ancient breakfast cereal product in his Enemas of Mass Destruction, as identified by our science correspondent Deputy Gordon.

Dateline Sunday -

We are grateful to Deputy Tony for keeping us up-to-date on these important matters

The Canadian Airforce has announced that it's fighter squadron is ready to go into action just as soon as the contract is signed for the new reality TV series.

The US airforce has sent F15's and F16's into action. It is uncertain as to the exact function of the F15's and F16's as my laptop keyboard only goes up to the F12 key, but it is understood that they are able to deploy the incredibly powerful 'Tom Cruise' missile. On impact, the Tom Cruise missile immediately starts ranting about the wonders of Scientology, causing anyone within a 100 metre range to fall to the ground with their fingers in their ears.

The Pentagon announced that there were unable to deploy the Stealth Bloomers as Mrs Obama, was wearing them.  Apparently, the First Lady started wearing them following a telephone call from her husband who is currently on a tour of South America and during the conversation he had mentioned that he quite liked Brazilians.

Meawhile in Melbourne the Ministery of the Fence stated that the Euro Pram has carried out several missions using the Etch-a-Sketch missile which had drawn enemy fire after several failed attempts when it had drawn something that looked like a broken down Mini. It is though that our noble pilot, Deputy Dennis, had become confused in the heat of battle.

Unfortunately Anne misunderstood the meaning of camouflage
Following some local protests about the increase in the cost of Melbourn rates, a spokesman said that the increase was neccesary in order to fund the purchase of two new frigates for the Melbourn Navy. Unfortunately, when the order was faxed through for the two frigates, the 'fri' part of the word 'frigates' did not print out, resulting in the delivery of a pair of new gates instead. These have now been erected in the cemetary in order to prevent the residents from leaving.

In local news, a man was arrested on Friday night after dropping his trousers in the High Street. When questioned, the local resident explained that he had overheard a conversaion about the 'big moon' which was happening over Melbourn and had through that this was an event for Red Nose Day, and wished to participate for charity. He was given a caution and bound over to hold his piece (sic) every night for six months

Unexploded mole menace on the Moor?

Another important contribution from Deputy Gordon our sciemce correspondent.

 At Thursday night’s meeting a discussion between the Deputies present concerning the merits of the use of propane-lance technology on rabbit warrens jogged my memory about an experiment conducted at the secret biological warfare laboratory at Watership Down prior to the Second Gulf War.

It had been noticed that after the use of exploding propane on rabbit warrens, the remains of exploded moles were discovered, over the course of several days, some considerable distance from the original site. Experimentation concluded that passing moles had apparently inhaled sufficient quantities of propane to produce an explosive mixture within their system which was being subsequently detonated by piezo-electric sparks generated when the moles digging claws struck shards of flint or granite.

It was thought at the time that if a reliable supply of exploding moles could be developed they could be used to sabotage Saddam Hussein’s much treasured crown-green bowling green in the grounds of his palace in Bagdad, thus sapping morale prior to any military attack.

Once a suitably sized propane lance had been used to introduce propane into the rear-end of a mole, the problem became largely one of “propane retention”. This was solved by some subtle genetic engineering, resulting in the creation of “tapidae soricomorpha anus rictus” or tight-arsed moles as they are better known.

Notice the raised eyebrows
[Of passing historical interest, an advanced mlatoon of suitably armed moles were in fact deployed in a pre-emptive strike, but a failure in their directive system is thought to have led them to wander off in all directions, rather than into Saddam’s palace, causing only mild disruption in the Bagdad suuks, and the experiment was abandoned.]

However, whist not wishing to leap to conclusions, there does seem to be a suspicious increase in the number of mole-hills, of an apparently exploded nature, in the nether regions of the fields bordering the Mel. It is only a short step, or burrow for a mole, to our own cherished bowling green on the Moor! Think of the lowering of communal morale if a similar attack of this nature was being orchestrated by our dastardly enemies across the water!

I suggest heightened vigilance whilst patrolling the Moor, for although exploding moles pose no real threat to humans (apart from causing disturbing effects upon turf) they have been known to blow the whiskers off small dogs. 

Sunday, 20 March 2011

News Update

We must thank Deputy Tony for this news update

Thursday - Top level meeting of senior ministers and military personnel (code name 'Cobblers') at BH headquarters, where it was agreed that Deputy Dennis should proceed with the fitting of his newly developed, top secret motor to the Euro Pram.

Friday - The United Dairies Security Council meet and agree resolution 1066, which provides a mandate for 'all necessary action' to be taken against the heinous Bassingbourn Dictatorship

Saturday - France announces that it has finished cleaning it's carrier the 'Charlie de Gaulloises' and has now deployed it to the Mel, together with a squadron of Meringues. The French Defence Minister announces that the Meringues have been in action over Bassingbourn Allotments and have successfully destroyed a line of early season Salad.

Sunday - Our Glorious Leader in his capacity of Commander in Chief of Armed (and legless) Forces announces that the Euro Pram will use the French Carrier as a bass from which to launch further missions against the Bassingbourn Allotments, using Etch-a-Sketch missiles with the aim of of taking out Ranger Ron's prize marrow before he is able to use it against the population.   Deputy Tony said he would have volunteered for the mission but had to tidy his sock draw, so was unavailable.

Ranger Ron seen escaping at speed
There are unsubstantiated claims by the Bassingbourn Regime that there have been civilian casualties in a nursery where several cucumbers were allegedly destroyed.   This is thought to be no more than the usual propoganda used by Ranger Ron. Although smoke has been seen, it is probably yet another illegal bonfires started by Ranger (Gadaffi) Ron.

Our Glorious Leader gives one of his rousing speeches.   "We shall fight them down at Leeches - we shall never surrender out sausages..."